i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
