True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
