Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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