But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
