I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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