Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
