Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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