I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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