I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Randomize
