so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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