OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the gays at disneyland are vicious
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize