I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize