I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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