I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
