My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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