He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
