he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
