I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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