someone threw a dead crab at me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize