I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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