another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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