I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
