He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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