Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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