her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
