Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
