she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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