i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize