i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
