Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
did i just pee glitter
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
