I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
