Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
