If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize