I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
