I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize