yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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