Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
