you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
