I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
