My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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