I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
