he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
