how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we're making bets on your personal life
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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