I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
