i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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