Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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