I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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