i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
