Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize