True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
