If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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