Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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