We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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