Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
