Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
