I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
