Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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