She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
