My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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