Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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