you're like a bully in the Christmas story
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
