Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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