It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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