Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
