I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize