I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
