Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
