just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
