I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
