decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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