How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
