No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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