i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
