my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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