I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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