I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
