Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
